The Guilt of Joy

I feel guilty sharing my joy.

Not just because the world is on fire and people are dying and others are grieving and who am I to be talking about joy?? (Although admittedly that’s a big part of it).

But also because I remember how hard it was to see people’s joy early in my own grief. Back when I actually thought I might die from sadness and I couldn’t possibly understand how the rest of the world was getting out of bed, let alone enjoying their lives.

But eventually I started to see their joy as hope that one day I too may find joy again (especially when it came from those who had also been through some shit),

I now know that experiencing joy isn’t moving on from Brad or the pain of a world without him in it - there is no moving on from that.

But there is moving forward - continuing life, and managing to find joy in the wake of loss.

So if seeing happy posts makes you sad or angry, I get it and I see you (I WAS you). And no judgment if you need to scroll right past the joy right now in favor of a good ol smash session.

But after surviving the death of Brad and then the death of my dad and then the collective grief of a global pandemic, I also want to remind you that yes, joy still exists. And that hopefully for some of you, there is hope in these posts.

Because the further out from a loss we get, we don’t suddenly get over our grief. But we do figure out how to make room for more than just the pain.

So here’s me - traveling through Portugal with my partner - making room for joy and carrying it right alongside my grief.

And maybe that will give you hope that someday you can too.