The Divide: Life Before & Life After

After experiencing a loss, life is often divided into two parts: life before and life after.

Tomorrow is 5 years since that divide - the anniversary of the day Brad was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer.

I talk a lot about life in the “after” - in particular after Brad’s death and what it means to be a young widow in a grief avoidant and grief illiterate society.

But today I want to talk about life in the “before.” Because getting glimpses of life before, inevitably reminds me of all our “lasts.” The last trip we took that didn’t revolve around medical care. The last dinner with friends before the subject awkwardly shifted to the diagnosis. The last time we took a breath before Brad’s mortality lingered on the exhale.

5 years ago, we had just returned from the shores of Lake Superior - for what would unknowingly be our last vacation, to celebrate what would inevitably be our last anniversary together. We had no idea that 101 days later, Brad would take his last breaths.

Reliving the trauma of a cancer diagnosis, the treatment, and the subsequent death is unbearably difficult. But sometimes, it feels harder to relive those precious moments of our life before.

When I look at these photos, I see ease - the ease of our smiles, the ease of our 13 years together, and the ease of a couple who had no idea how hard life was about to become.

On our drive home from this last trip, we daydreamed about our future. We had made it out of my “high risk” period of another relapse and were (naively) ready to leave cancer behind. We talked about the places we wanted to visit and our long term career ambitions and where we would retire.

Looking back, these conversations feel unfamiliar from my life in the after, where daydreaming 50 years in the future feels both reckless and hopeful in a way I no longer recognize. But that’s the thing about life in the before, it’s full of an innocence that is stolen from life in the after.

Life is full of moments. Moments before the loss and moments after the loss. If you’re fortunate enough to still be living in the life before, hold those moments tight. Because, you never know - tomorrow just might be the start of your life in the after.