I Didn't Choose This Life
Brad and I used to say we didn’t need each other — we chose each other.
The idea of choice mattered to us — so much so that it was the theme of our wedding vows. We believed love wasn’t obligation or dependency or fear of being alone. It was daily, intentional choosing. Not because we had to. Because we wanted to.
That belief shaped our marriage.
And then Brad died.
And suddenly I was living in a life I absolutely did not choose.
For a long time, that felt like a betrayal of everything we believed in. If love was about choice, what did it mean that this loss, this loneliness, this altered future, was forced on me?
Grief felt like something that happened to me. Something I endured. Something I survived.
And for a while, surviving was enough.
But eventually, surviving started to feel like a betrayal — like I was wasting the life I still had when Brad’s had been cut so radically short.
I was continuing — not deciding. Existing — not choosing.
So I made a choice — a big one.
I decided to leave Detroit.
Detroit was where we had built our life. It held our friends and my support system. It held our routines, our memories, and the version of myself that only existed in that shared world.
Staying felt safe. Familiar. Loyal. But staying also felt like orbiting a life that no longer existed.
The decision to leave wasn’t dramatic. It wasn’t even thought out. I saw a listing for a cottage for rent in Northern Michigan, made an appointment to see it the next day, and signed a lease on the spot.
It didn’t feel brave or empowering. It was impulsive and terrifying.
I was abandoning the life I chose. Abandoning the life Brad and I chose.
But on our wedding, we vowed to always choose love. And this life — it was one I no longer loved.
And the only way to change that was to make a different choice.
Deciding to leave Detroit was an enormous act, but it wasn’t the only choice I made. What I didn’t expect were all the smaller choices that followed:
Choosing a new place to live.
Choosing what to keep and what to release.
Choosing new routines.
Choosing how much of my story to share.
Choosing who I wanted to be, in my life now.
Ultimately, the decision to leave led me to question everything. To actively decide what choices to make in this next version of life.
I reconnected with my inner knowing and made decisions that suited me now. I said no to what no longer felt aligned and yes to what lit me up. I asked questions, I experimented. I failed. I tried again.
And through it all, I found new joys: in the wild ramps that I foraged my first spring. In the sunrise swims in the cold waters of Lake Michigan. In the quiet warmth of the afternoon light streaming on my patio.
One big choice didn’t rebuild my life. But it did crack something open. It reminded me that even in a life shaped by force, there is still space — however small — for agency.
Grief can make it easy to continue on a path simply because it’s familiar. To keep relationships because they were there before. To say yes because you don’t want to disappoint anyone. To say no because wanting feels risky.
And sometimes it feels easier not to want anything at all.
But rebuilding isn’t always about grand reinvention. It’s about experimentation. It’s about asking: Does this still fit? Do I want this?
It’s about asking: If I’m honest, what would I choose now?
Brad and I committed to choosing each other. And we did, until his last breath.
And now, I get to honor him by choosing to live. Boldly and fully.
Want to Explore the Idea of Choice in Widowhood?
If you’re navigating that strange in-between — no longer living the life you had, not yet sure how to build what’s next — this is the work we do inside Joy Scout Club. Each month, we explore one theme that helps us move from survival toward intention.
March is all about Choice — reclaiming your yes and your no, rebuilding internal trust, and shaping a life that feels like yours again.
You didn’t choose this loss. But you still get to choose what comes next.
If you’d like to explore that alongside others who understand, join us here 👇
Want to see everything we have going on this month? Check out the full schedule HERE.