I carry these moments of grief just like I carry these moments of love - they both slow me down and propel me forward. The heaviness of those moments are still there, several years later. But so is a new fortitude. A new strength I didn’t have in previous years.Read More
I recently listened to this podcast with Elizabeth Gilbert on how instead of chasing passion (something she’s been preaching her entire career), you should be chasing CURIOSITY instead. And let me tell you, this spoke - so deeply and so profoundly - to my soul.Read More
I had zero interest in sharing the most affecting part of my life with this stranger, but I must admit, I did respect his complete drunken disregard for platitudes and his desire to jump straight to the juicy details.
“Cancer,” I replied, leaning away.
I recently had a conversation with a friend who had lost his wife last year. He asked me about my experience “running away” and when looking back if it had ended up being the right choice for me. He was craving something similar but, understandably, scared to make a move.Read More
I’ve been having a lot of conversations about power - specifically the internal power we all possess. As I dream up future plans and ambitions for the Forced Joy Project (and subsequently ask myself why I am not doing more to chase those dreams), a wise woman recently told me that we are more afraid of our own power than of the possibility of failure.Read More
For two years I’ve had this Samuel Beckett quote at the top of my notes. Each morning, as I began my writing for the day, I'd read it and feel the truth of the complexities of loving and losing and living in the aftermath.Read More
Recently I was asked a question by a friend: “how do you handle the fear of growing old alone.” I gave her a quick response and we moved on in our conversation, but the question stuck with me and I wanted to dive a little deeper into that fear - and the complex feelings it brings up.Read More
Today was supposed to be our 10 year wedding anniversary. We were supposed to renew our vows on the beach in Northern Michigan.Read More
Earlier this summer, I spent 5 days backcountry camping throughout the Porcupine Mountains in the Upper Peninsula. Over those 5 days, as I struggled with the weight of my pack, the pains, the moments of joy, and the elements, I realized how similar a trek in the wilderness is to the grief journey.Read More
I’ve been struggling with how to write this post for over a week now. Because eventually, when life continues to hand you unbelievable and shockingly shitty situations, you just stop finding the words. You stop finding the energy to even look for the words.Read More
It’s been 18 months since Brad’s death and I still feel full of fear. Grief tends to do that - bring up all kinds of fears, some more rational than others.Read More
Like last year, our family will be spending the week together to honor and celebrate both Brad and his twin, Dave. For one beautiful chaotic week, we get to live in each other’s noise and space and emotions. For one week, we gather from all across the country and get to be in each other’s presence.Read More
When Brad died, I had several people ask me (and many more ask around me) if I was going to stay in Detroit. At the time I was incredibly offended. How could they question my loyalty to Detroit?Read More
I’ve spent the last year and a half openly talking about and writing about courage - courage in the face of illness, courage in the face of death, and courage in the face of life after loss.
But the reality is, I’ve spent the last year and a half utterly terrified.
Yesterday I was informed by my accountant that I have to pay taxes on Brad's forgiven student loans in the wee tiny amount of, wait for it, TWENTY-TWO THOUSAND DOLLARS.Read More
I'm aware it’s a sneaky cancer that doesn’t let itself known until it’s too late. I'm aware that the “lucky” ones who discover it early, usually discover it on accident. I'm aware that for the rest of the people (the “unlucky” ones), it is so fucking aggressive and awful that right when you settle in to fight, the fight is over. I'm aware it has the ability to - in an instant - swoop in and steal the life of the person you love most in the world, taking your life along with it.Read More
It was the first morning I woke up and wanted it to be over - a thought that is hard to admit, but one that, unlike so many other thoughts over the last year, comes without guilt.Read More
It was two and a half months after Brad’s death. I was running away and was in Florida at the time. I stubbornly refused to celebrate, not wanting to acknowledge the day. Not wanting to acknowledge another minute had passed without Brad.Read More
I found connection as I paddled through the water, being followed by the Great Blue Heron. I found joy as I pounced up the rocks, remembering the childlike joy I used to feel stomping through the woods and climbing up trees. I found peace as I stared up at a sky so big and so full of shooting stars, it was impossible not to feel incredibly powerful and oh so small, all at once.Read More
Today I received my 5 year CT scan. It was 5 years ago - to the very day - I received my first, post relapse, clean scan.Read More