Ways to Love Yourself While Grieving
When Brad first died, self-love involved alcohol and weed. I’m not proud of it, but it felt like the only way I could love myself was by numbing my feelings.
It wasn’t dissimilar when I was taking care of my dad. At the end of a long and exhausting day, I’d open a bottle of wine and numb myself in front of the tv.
It’s easy to judge these behaviors when you’re not in these situations - when you have no idea what it's like to have a dysfunctional nervous system and your only priority is to make it another day. But if you’re grieving - whether it’s the loss of a person or a previous version of life, you do what you can to survive in the immediacy.
Eventually, I started to find…ahem…healthier ways to show myself love - the occasional yoga class, a walk with friends - but early on, loving myself meant trying to escape reality.
Bottom line? It’s hard loving yourself when you’re grieving. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try.
So in honor of Valentine’s Day coming up, (a holiday that is probably triggering to a lot of you), let’s talk about some simple ways we can show ourselves love, while also acknowledging that it’s really freaking hard.
Book a massage. It may be hard to leave the house, but once you get there, all you have to do is lie on a table and let someone else work their magic. If you’re caring for other humans, this is your permission to call up a friend, a neighbor, or a family member to come take over so you can have a couple hours of bliss.
Write a love letter to yourself acknowledging all the things you’ve done while surviving. Sure, it may sound cheesy, but it’s a pretty powerful practice - especially in a state of active grief, when everything feels like shit. Did you shower today? Great, write it down. Leave the house? That should be documented. Converse with a human? That’s a superhuman feat that damn well deserves to be recognized. Write down all the things - big and small - and see how much you are actually doing when life feels impossible.
Move your body. When I’m heavy in grief, the last thing I want to do is move. But, trust me, it helps. It can be some light yoga stretches, dancing like a maniac around your house, or a boxing class to work through some of the more intense feels. But get off the couch and move just a little.
Get outside. Take a walk with a friend. Breathe in the fresh air. Watch a sunset. Do whatever you want to do, but leave your freaking house.
Smash something. Sometimes the best way to love yourself is to feel all the emotions, even the “negative” ones. Let yourself rage (safely) to get that anger out of your body. Need help? Order yourself a starter smash kit.
And if all of this is too much right now, that’s ok too. Sometimes the most loving thing we can give ourselves is patience. Patience to heal, patience to grieve, and patience to acknowledge that it won’t always be this way (even if it feels otherwise).
How are you loving yourself when you’re in the depth of despair? Comment and let me know.