Honoring (and Letting Go of) Past Commitments

Brad has a twin (or a wombmate as he liked to call him). And for the 35 years he was alive, he never missed celebrating his birthday with his brother, Dave.

This tradition became harder with cross-country moves and babies and jobs and the overall busyness of life.

But out of all the commitments Brad made, this was one of his most valued, and therefore, one he never missed.

So naturally, when he died, I “valiantly” vowed to step in and honor that commitment as well.

And while the intention was good (and also steeped in deep grief), the truth is, I was not and am not a replacement for Brad. AND by vowing to honor this commitment for Brad, I may actually be dishonoring the needs of Dave. Because honoring this commitment has meant taking away the freedom to spend that day how he wanted. It meant being forced to plan around my schedule and Brad’s best friend’s schedule and possibly his sister’s and his mother’s schedule (and whoever else is deciding they want to honor the commitment in any given year). 

It’s a lot of pressure on a day that is inherently hard for Dave too.

So this year, we are releasing the pressure. Releasing the commitment.

But even knowing it’s for the best (based on life now), I’m having a hard time letting it go.

Because I often wonder if Brad were still here if he would continue to show up “no matter what?” Would he have gotten in a car and driven the 2000 miles during a pandemic to be there with his brother? Would he have stubbornly hung on, even with the addition of kids and schools and changing schedules? Would he have adjusted this commitment to better suit these new needs? Or would he still show up?

I don’t know. And not knowing is part of the reason it’s so hard to let go.

Because what I know is that for 35 years, he always showed up. No matter what.

For me, by continuing to honor that commitment, I was continuing to honor Brad. And it didn’t really matter if it was what anybody else wanted. It was one more thing of Brad’s to hang on to.

But life shifts. Circumstances shift. Relationships shift. Shouldn’t our commitments shift?

Sure. (Maybe?)

But letting go is hard - and oftentimes comes with grief and sadness and guilt. It’s also another loss. Another reminder that life has shifted so profoundly.

So instead of letting go, maybe we need to be better at letting it flow. Allowing these commitments - these ways of honoring our people - to be ever-changing and fluid to suit the circumstances of each particular year.

As we approach what would have been Brad’s 42nd birthday (and also is Dave’s 42nd birthday), what I am now vowing is to be in more of a state of flow (or at least vowing to try).

This year I will not be with his twin. But I will be with his sister and her family. And that feels right too - different, but right.

It’s my way of honoring Brad, his family, and the commitment we made, not just the one he made.

I’m trying to let it flow. I am. But sometimes…sometimes it just feels like letting go.

And maybe that’s ok too.