Stephanie Hernandez
Loss of Dad to Heart Disease
Let’s get started! What’s Your Story?
I’ve been doing my childhood dream career for the past 15 years…I’m a teacher. It started off as elementary. I’ve taught everything from 1st to 8th, including SPED, and my fave thing was the one quarter I was an instructional coach!
I was the first in my family to go to college and graduate. Not only did I, but I eventually nabbed my Master’s Degree in Administration & Supervision. In my spare time, I enjoy reading non-fiction, psychology journals, and online articles. I recently have gotten into studying up on my genealogy, and have found some amazing things I never knew! I love bingeing on streaming services for documentaries, comedies, and psychological thrillers. Another hobby I have had since middle school is black & white drawings or oil pastels. A strange hidden talent I have is my ability to twist my elbows backward 45 degrees, arms uplifted.
You shared with me that your dad died. Can you talk a little bit about your life and relationship leading up to his death?
My dad was always my biggest supporter, always reminding me of how proud of me he was, how beautiful I was, and that I’ll always be his baby girl. When I was little, after my dad worked 12-hour shifts for work, he’d still come home and play Barbies with me. Whenever we’d go out in public, he’d dance some stupid little made-up jig in the aisles or in front of the largest part of the crowd came along. He would always say “Who cares? Let ‘em stare! If you don’t ever laugh, your life will always be miserable.” He was afraid of dying. And certainly, death before he could live past 60 years old. (His uncle and dad passed away from health conditions at age 60).
Since your dad was diagnosed with heart disease early on in his life, do you feel like you experienced anticipatory grief throughout your life? Did that diagnosis hang over your heads?
I think my mom did - as she always reminded him about his health, how much and how often. He smoked from the age of 13 until 1 year prior to his death. The older I got, the more I knew about heart health, genetics, and well-being. I ended up turning my health around after my 2 kids were toddlers, and I had my career steady. I competed in four Mrs. Oklahoma pageants. Never won, but I did it to advocate for women’s well-being and health.
Can you tell us a little about the day your dad died?
I woke up on Monday, October 22, 2012 - during my fall break - to get ready to go to the gym for a workout. My husband was at work already, so it was just my 2 girls and I. They were 3 and 5 years old. As I grabbed my bag and was telling the girls to get ready to head out, my cell phone in my hand rang, showing “Parents” on my caller ID. I picked up reluctantly saying “Hello?” (My mom never called that early…)
She proceeded to sob, muffling out little bits of words. I just recall understanding “Stephanie, Daddy’s dead. I woke up and he was cold. Dead! beside me and I don’t know how long he has been like that, but the ambulance is on the way.”
I asked her if I should come over now, and she said yes. I recall sitting so silently on the couch, feeling chilled, Then I saw him. His body being zipped up, stone cold, being placed on the stretcher, and taken out. The coroner talking to mom, and I had to keep myself pulled together because Mom wasn’t whole. She was a messy, hollow spirit - not my mom. I ended up planning the entire funeral, including finding a way to scrape up $5k to bury him. To this day, I still have anxiety attacks during Fall Break.
What was life like in the immediate weeks after the loss of your dad? How did you cope?
I was hiding my deep sadness. Loneliness. I hid it from everyone except the memorial service attendees when I broke down and freak-sobbed. After that, I went back to work immediately after Fall Break so I wouldn’t drown in my own sadness. I played the heck outta distracting songs on my music playlist!
What was a specific low point or struggle you experienced?
I began to distance myself from my 1st husband. He always said I was too sensitive or I needed to get over it. He never lost a parent, just very old grandparents. It wasn’t the same. We argued (no voice raising) more and more, breaking all the marital rules we had for ourselves.
How did you manage to find joy in those low moments?
Prayer works miracles. It heals and calms. My career and my mom being my only parental focus helped, too, but the real joy was found in “signs” from heaven from Dad - the very specific-to-him-type songs on repeat on the radio, on every station as I channel surfed. “I Hope You Dance” by LeeAnn Womack was a big one for him and me and my 2 younger sisters.
How do you live life differently from before your dad’s death? Any unexpected changes?
I first was even more mindful of my own health, eating better, etc. Once I divorced though, it took a different turn. All downhill, but I lost touch with my spirituality. I am coming back to it now, so things are slowly reviving again.
What do you want others to know about grief?
Grief can be terrifying, especially if you don’t come to terms with your feelings. Don’t deny it. If others approach you about it, it’s only because they care. Find the best memories-the ones that make you laugh, that make you smile - and focus on them. Make a Focus Board to display in noticeable places during your day -maybe start without your loved one’s photos if just seeing them makes you break. God - and our loved ones - never leave us. We are never alone!
It’s been over 10 years since your dad died. Can you talk about how the grief has shifted since the earlier days? What does grief look like now?
I can talk about him in life, poor health, and his death without getting super emotional now. It took a few years to really feel past it, but instead of being sad on his death anniversary, I celebrated his birthday each year, and proudly shared my memories of him with anyone who’d listen.
How can a person best be there to support a loved one who is grieving?
Don’t say you understand if you have never lost a parent. Don’t just say “I’m so sorry.” It doesn’t usually help, but instead makes us cry. Just listen. Offer a hug or a babysitter. If you offer any type of help, then follow through! This is not the time to bail on someone…
If you could go back and spend one more day with your dad, what would you do?
I would sit across from him as he drank his morning coffee, “waking up” for 2 hours, rocking in his recliner, shirtless while watching the news, and he’d listen to me tell stories about his “baby girl grandbabies” and my current students. Then, we’d take a short drive to the store, as he pretends to hold the “oh, sh*t” handle, exclaiming “Super Sonic, Stephanie!” He will ask me to stop real quick at Mr. C’s convenience store for his cigs and Coke. He’ll end up spending another $10 on Lotto Scratchers to scratch in the car while he says THIS will be the time he wins the Jackpot. We get to Wal-Mart and he pushes me in the cart buggy like we’re in NASCAR. As Van Halen’s “Jump” comes on over the PA speakers, he does a goofy dance while people walk by, staring, but chuckling, and this time…this time, I don’t tell him he embarrasses me. No. I smile and laugh instead. And then I would join him. And we would have no other care in the world.
Any resources that were helpful for you that others might be able to utilize?
The Anxiety Blob plushie and accompanying journal and books are fantastic! The Calm app (Premium annual subscription is worth it!) is another great resource for destressing and relaxing, or refocusing. The website (along with subscribing to the weekly newsletter via email) for Her View From Home has fabulous categories of nothing but pages and pages of real-life fellow readers/fellow people who write their own stories on grief, loss, marriage, parenthood, raising teens, and more. It helps you realize you aren’t alone.
What brings you joy now?
It was, and is, the little things in life that bring me joy. I’ve learned to hone in on them as they are happening live before me. With my kids playing, laughing, the sounds of the background music in my fave song, the lightbulb moment of my students each year, when my spouse or bestie can finish my sentence, when I smell the parfum on someone else my mom used to wear when I was a kid, and the smell of the crisp, autumn Oklahoma air before or after a rain. I watch the glistening of the grass in the morning dew, the crackles flickering from the backyard firepit as we make s’mores…Complete joy.
Anything else you’d like readers to know?
This too shall pass…sometimes like a kidney stone, but it’ll pass. No, we don’t get stronger. We get wiser. We begin to really LIVE and notice everything that God placed before us.