Staley Pearl

Loss of Mom followed by multiple losses

Hi Staley! Tell us, what’s your story?

I’m a mom of three young kids (5, 3, and 1) living on the central coast of California with my husband. I recently quit my job as a Division 1 diving coach, because childcare is astronomical, and I paint at night after everyone goes to bed and sell those paintings like 63% of the time. I was born and raised in Knoxville, TN where I got my Masters in Social Work but moved here about a decade ago.

You told me that your mom died - can you share a little bit about your life and relationship leading up to her death?

Our relationship was a strong but complex one, because she struggled with bipolar and schizophrenia, then self-medicated a lot. My role with her was parentified early on, for sure. Childhood was full of novelty and creativity, but with spouts of abrupt chaos and disorienting moves. I know now that she loved me deeply and unconditionally, but I spent some time wondering about that when I was little. When I was 15 and just had my second brother, she experienced postpartum psychosis and spent some time in a psych ward. This experience helped me to understand her better and view her with a more empathetic lens.

Can you tell us a little about how your mom died?

I wish I could. She was found dead in her apartment after a few days of being missing, and at the time, I was told different reasons from different people. I cleaned up her apartment and found medications, so assumed it was an overdose, but the funeral director told us that she had some bad dark marks around her neck. I pressed for 6 months for the autopsy and finally when I got it, it said that she died of “positional asphyxiation.” I met with one of the men that found her and he was weird about the whole thing, but said it was a very weird position she was in, as if she had been put that way. I asked that her case be opened as a possible homicide, as there are some other concerning details, but haven’t heard back from the police. I honestly didn’t try hard, because barring a confession, I don’t know that there’s a way for me to ever really know what happened in her last moments. This is the saddest thing I carry in my heart so far.

What was life like in the immediate weeks after the loss of your mom? How did you cope?

I was completely underwater. She was in my dreams and then I would wake up and realize it all over again. My grandmother, her mom, also had terminal cancer that took a turn for the worse, and so the immediate months after were spent sharing caregiving responsibilities while she had hospice at home. She died about 3 months after her daughter and it was all terrible and complex and heavy. My great-grandmother and I got closer, though, and she called me her best friend for years after that. She died around 4 years after her daughter.

What was a specific struggle you experienced?

Easter was super important to my family growing up, and my mother called me on Easter, but I didn’t call her back and she died that week. Every Easter I struggle.

How did you manage to find joy?

I inherited her dog, which was wonderful. He was SUCH a cutie and always down for a sobbing snuggle. I knew how much she loved him, and it was helpful having him around.

You shared with me that after your mom died, several other family members died as well. Can you share a little about those experiences and what it was like to experience loss on top of loss?

Yes, I mentioned a bit about my grandmother above, but within the next few years, my stepdad and both father’s parents died, as well as having a miscarriage. It was a dark few years.

After experiencing so much loss, do you live differently now?

I feel freer somehow. Because my mother struggled so much before her death, I did feel like I can now move forward creating my own true path. Of course I’d love to see her hold her grandkids, but now I have a bit more space to heal generational patterns as I mother my three. I hear friends who have such helpful moms, but I know that my mother wouldn’t have been capable of that, and I can grieve motherless mothering in my own complex way.

Also, I picked up painting as a career. I never thought it was a practical or respectable job, but I always loved art. When I inherited mom’s fancy paints, I decided to use them and haven’t stopped since. It’s been wonderful.

What do you want others to know about grief?

How long and deep it can be, and to give yourself grace, grace, grace as you navigate the new path. Share your sadness with someone if you can; it helps to lighten the load.

How can a person best be there to support a loved one who is grieving?

Allow the griever to hurt without fixing, minimizing, or wrapping it up with a bow.

What would you tell others who are going through something similar?

I’m so sorry that you’ve lost your loved one in an unknown way. I hope that as the years go by, this shadow can subside a little bit so you can remember them for the life they lived.

Any resources that were helpful for you that others might be able to utilize?

I did appreciate local hospice group meetings and I still went to Al-Anon even though she was dead (similar to AA but for people who love those struggling with addiction). I also read everything I could about death, which I know isn’t most people’s jam, but education can be a form of therapy.

What brings you joy now?

My baby’s chunky belly, my 3-year-old’s costume- or underwear-only wardrobe, my 5-year-old’s thoughtful questions, and my husband’s jokes. I also am pretty nuts for composting, diving, and making rude stickers.

Anything else you’d like readers to know?

I had a crisis of faith around the time my mother died, and so many people told me how much better off her and my other family members were now that they were in heaven. It was isolating. I recommend leaving faith out of the conversation unless you know the person shares that with you.

Want to know more about Staley and her story? Follow her on Instagram @staleythepearl.