Sally Deming
Sudden Loss of Husband, Ron
Hi Sally! Tell us, what’s your story?
My name is Sally Deming, I am a mom, grandmother, cat mom, daughter, sister, aunt and sister-in law. I am also an advocate for promoting the importance of the “Move Over Law.”
My family is the most important aspect of my life. I count the days until I can spend time with my adorable grandson Carter. I retired in 2019, I love spending time in nature and being an amateur photographer.
In December of 2019 I returned to the area I grew up in. The Adirondack mountains with the Queen of the American Lakes, Lake George, being home again. My weird hidden talent is having psychic abilities, actually I’m very intuitive. I’m actually really good at singing the totally wrong lyric in songs!
Let’s talk about your loss. Can you share about your life leading up to it?
Before Ron died, we were counting the days until we could retire. We spent time doing day to day things. We had a great ebb and flow. Our girls were grown, his Dad. who lived with us, had passed in November of 2015. Our youngest daughter was living in California so we were able to visit there which was so exciting and fun. We said we were going to move there when we retired.
How about the day your husband, Ron died? Can you talk about what happened?
The day Ron died is honestly one of the most surreal I have ever experienced. It was a Friday, I worked for the local government on a county level. There were meetings going on next to my office. I was outside for a minute and followed a NYS Trooper back into the building. I wanted to tell him how sorry I was about his co-worker who had just been killed because someone didn’t move over a lane when he was trying to help. He was hit and killed. I didn’t have a chance because we were both now inside and he stopped at the security desk and asked where the legislature office was. (where I worked) I offered to show him. We both got into the elevator and I asked who he was looking for. He said my name. I immediately started saying to him. “Please just tell me he’s okay.” He told me we could talk back in my office. My co-worker was not there so I said it again, “Please just tell me he’s okay.” What he said is a blur, the word accident comes to mind. I screamed so loud and from a place I didn’t know existed while dropping to my knees. From there, everything happened so fast. I had two daughters to think about so I went into mom mode. I called our youngest daughter's boyfriend in California and asked him to be next to her while I told her some devastating news. In today’s world, social media will run rampant before you can catch your breath. The Trooper drove me to our oldest daughter's place of work. My boss, co-worker and great friend came with me. She insisted. Ironically, she had lost her first husband in an accident many years before. Our oldest daughter worked in a high security banking job at the time so I knew she wouldn’t see or hear anything until we got there, 20 minutes away. For me, it all became auto pilot. Maybe it’s just the brain’s ability to protect, I don’t know, but it was certainly surreal.
What was life like in the immediate weeks after Ron’s death? How did you cope?
Again, auto pilot comes to mind. There were many, many details to take care of. People supported us in droves. Every detail of our life was very public for a while. The NYS Thruway is 496 miles long, divided by divisions. The men and women who work there took up collections for our family. My county government job and the employees there gave us monetary support as well. Everyone showed up for us. I met with the undertaker, priest, called for flowers, talked to our attorney, spoke with the District Attorney and after two weeks, went back to work. I coped by being busy. It’s always been that for me. In other words, I ignored the whole thing.
What was a specific low point or struggle you experienced?
I was not allowed to see Ron. There was no viewing. I had thought maybe I would be able to kiss him goodbye. That point made me realize he wasn’t coming home. I kissed him goodbye that Friday morning and never saw him again. On his birthday, which was eight months after he died, my daughters and I were set to watch home videos. I couldn’t do it, I broke down within the first five minutes. After a little over five years I still haven’t watched them all.
How did you manage to find joy in those moments?
Not looking for pity here but my life before Ron was filled with turmoil. My parents drank and fought. I rebelled as a teen. I had been used to chaos my whole life. In the months that followed his death I looked to the things that had always helped me think and relax. I have always had the ability to be soothed by nature. I did that as much as possible and I left our home as much as I could. I visited my daughter in California, I visited my hometown. I walked a lot. I took as many photos as I could. I reconnected with music, Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers to be specific. Our daughter’s brought me joy. They are such beautiful, sweet, loving girls. Our animals were such a sweet point of comfort too.
How do you live life differently from before the loss? Has your attitude about life shifted? Any unexpected changes?
I do live differently. I used to be a person who offered help and advice to anyone. I don’t do that anymore. I live a very quiet life. I used to believe in the concept of prayer, everything happens for a reason and if it’s meant to be it will be. For me, there are no magic bullets. I am very spiritual, just not religious. Everyday comes with its own choices and they are mine alone to make.
I also work with the NYS Thruway Authority and the NYS Governor's Traffic Safety Committee to promote the importance of Work Zone Awareness. Ron died because someone did not "Move Over" a lane in a work zone. I advocate for Ron's memory. I never want him to be just another statistic. I was never a person who was comfortable in the spotlight, I'm still not, but this is the only way I can find any control in a devastating circumstance.
What do you want others to know about grief?
Grief is a constant. Once you have experienced a profound loss, that loss, that grief , will always be with you. Grief will not always be as crippling as at first but it’s always present. As I have recently learned, grief is love.
How can a person best be there to support a loved one who is grieving?
I would say offer your support in any way you are able. Let your person lead the way if you are unsure. I do think that being in touch after the initial time period is very important. Don’t give up on them even if they push you away, keep checking in. Keep offering any form of support you can.
What would you tell others who are going through something similar?
In my situation, I could have gained financially. I was thinking about those ways very emotionally. Get help navigating. You absolutely cannot push grief away, you have to sit with your feelings, whatever those feelings are.
If you could go back and spend one more day with Ron, what would you do?
Ron died in October of 2016. In August of 2016 we visited our youngest daughter in California. Our oldest daughter came with us. As the girls got older, time spent together like when they were young didn’t happen that often. So, I would spend the day, all of us together, and then I would spoon with him and fall asleep.
Any resources that have been helpful for you - on either grief or cancer?
In July of 2017 I had heard of or found on my own, who knows, the Joan Didion book, The Year of Magical Thinking. This book gave me such a sense of validation.
Our youngest daughter introduced me to IG grief accounts last year. I have been on IG for a long time but never even thought to look for grief accounts. Forced Joy, New Moon Mira, Grieving My Sister, Grief Unravelled, and Dating After Death are some accounts that have really impacted me.
What brings you joy now?
My daughters do for sure. In 2018, our youngest daughter gave birth to a son. He is so adorable and brings me such immense joy. I love taking rides and doing amateur photography. I love going for walks in nature and any time spent in or around the lake is pure heaven to me.
Anything else you’d like readers to know?
Everyone feels grief different. Take the time required to feel your grief in all of it’s forms and feel all of the feelings. You can not run away from it. I know, I tried.