Claire Lucas

Unexpected death of fiance, Virgil

Hi Claire! Tell us, what’s your story?

I am a 28 year old aerospace engineer, with my roots in Montana but currently calling Berlin, Germany my home. I just moved in December and am still in shock that I live in Europe (I have been dreaming of this for years). You will always find me watching the airplane flying overhead and plotting my next adventure. I love to bake, read a good book or explore a new place.

What was life like before the loss of your fiance, Virgil?

We were in a long-distance relationship, and pre-pandemic we never went more than two months apart. He was living in the UK and I was in the US. We were both very passionate about our jobs as aerospace engineers. Part of our identity was a love to travel and explore new places, so we used that to our advantage while enabling us to spend time together.

In January 2020 we had gone into wedding planning mode and had planned by the end of the year to get married in a small courthouse ceremony. The plan was to get married and then I would move to England. And then the pandemic hit, just after going on a trip to Niagara Falls together. The pandemic changed everything for us, we decided to adjust our plans and opt for the first available way for us to be together. We were set to get married in October in Barbados, and we were so excited. More than anything we wanted to be together, to grow old together and the first step in all of that was to resolve the geographical obstacles.

You shared with me that Virgil died unexpectedly. Can you share what happened?

On August 2, 2020, after having a long call with me and grabbing a snack he went for a bike ride. He was run over by a van mid way through his bike ride and died on the scene.

How did you cope - going from planning a wedding to planning a funeral?

Cope is a strong word. I think I survived. Time stood still, I shut down and was barely functioning during those first weeks. I remember setting out to do things that I knew had to be done, contacting his work, obtaining documentation from the coroner, etc. I completed all the tasks I needed to, I did all that I could to provide for him as I believe he would have wanted me to. All of this was without thought, without analysis of what was going on or how to process it. A friend described me as being his warrior during that time. And I think that accurately describes what I did, I went down to instinct of what I thought he would have wanted me to do. All I could think was not letting him down.

Two days before he died he had gone to the jewelry store intent on selecting our wedding bands. He had spent over two hours in the shop selecting and trying rings on. I remember the excitement in his voice afterward as he had found the ones that he had wanted for us to wear. When I got on the plane to England after learning of his death I remember turning to my father and saying I had to find that jewelry store. I was frantic to locate the shop, and when I eventually calmed down enough to look on google I found the only local shop that would have met his criteria. Upon calling and explaining the situation the woman at the shop instantly remembered him. She remembered how much time he had spent looking at the rings, and how surprised she was that he was doing this without me. She told him that ‘your girlfriend must trust you a lot.” His response was, “yes she does.’’ I told her that of course I did, he paid attention to all the details. His final gift to me was our wedding bands. I wear them every day to remind myself of the love that we shared.

Were you able to have the funeral or memorial service you wanted or were there restrictions because of the pandemic?

Normally funerals are fraught with challenges and then you add in a pandemic. To say that made it harder is probably an understatement. At the time of his death cross border travel was extremely challenging. To enter two different countries at that time was not a simple feat, additional paperwork had to be procured and there was always a risk that the border police would not agree to anything. The important part was that I was able to be there, to honor him.

We are in this very unique time where so many people are being forced to grieve while in isolation. What has that been like for you?

I took advantage of my job being remote and turned to my father. I had previously been living in Connecticut and my father was in Montana. I knew I couldn't be alone, I knew that it would be too hard. I needed someone to check on me, to make sure I was performing basic functions. I moved into his basement and spent the first 16 months after he died living there. I can’t even imagine not having that support. But beyond my father, I felt the isolation at a whole new level. Until I moved out I had not been trying to live, I had to overcome a lot of firsts at a very delayed state compared to non-pandemic life.

How were friends and family able to support you, especially because of covid restrictions?

He gave me an incredible gift, his family. They have showered me with love and acceptance. Though they are thousands of miles away, living in a different part of the world they have opened up their hearts to me. His mom messages me every day. I wouldn’t be where I am without my family, our family.

Now having said that I appreciate all of the love and support, but thanks to the pandemic, most of my support has been virtual. It is hard to show just how hard the days have been virtually. I often wonder if my people get how hard this has been when they only see the image I portray in that one hour call or the text message. They didn't get to see the endless sleepless nights, the inability to look like a functional human being, the grief triggers that are littered around in life, or the collection of empty tissue boxes. Sure in the early days I couldn't hide how I felt but after about the 6-month mark I could put on a front. (At least for an hour) Those who had known great sorrow saw right past it, but those are few in my circle. Having everything virtually made grieving in isolation the normal state.

How do you live life differently from before the loss? Has your attitude about life shifted? Any unexpected changes?

Yes, everything is different. Every part of my life has been changed by his loss. Who I am has shifted, and what I want out of life has changed. I have these lenses or perspective on life now that show the impact of loss. Most of us expect to have this perspective when we are old and grey. I have experience with things that none of my peers do. I know how to work with life insurance companies, coroner offices, and so many other things related to death. I am still trying to resolve how to carry this new knowledge. It is not the knowledge or perspective I want. What I want is my person back. Maybe one day I will be able to help someone else but for now, it weighs heavy on me as I try to navigate how much I don't have in common with my peers. My grief counselor reminds me to acknowledge the gift of great love, which is what this perspective comes from. I am an old soul, having witnessed pure bliss and unimaginable sorrow in my 28 years.

My vision for my life changed, and I am not sure I can answer or plot what I want out of my future. I was struggling to find a way forward staying in my same job, living on the east coast of the US. So I did the only logical thing. I changed the only remaining unaltered things, I changed my job and moved to a new country. I wanted to try to find a way to live to rediscover myself.

What do you want others to know about grief?

It is never over. There is no getting over grief, there is no end state. You will always love your person so it will never stop. As time passes you learn how to carry your grief but it does not go away. Despite what society tells us or rather fails to even discuss, it is ok to grieve the loss of your loved ones. People shy away from death, they don’t even want to entertain the thought. But the unfortunate reality is we will all experience great loss in our lifetimes. Opening up a dialogue around this has been healing for me, it is not something to run away from. (I can’t run away from my loss)

There is no uniform way to manage life after loss. Every relationship, every person has a different way to find a way to carry on post-loss. Losing my partner who I am deeply in love with, has opened up the depth of my love for him. He is woven into my story and even though he is not physically with me I believe that he lives on through me.

How can a person best be there to support a loved one who is grieving?

One of the things that I have found the most challenging is to break through the isolation. Before I was always the person who people turned to for support. And after losing my partner I have had to learn how to lean on others. The first few months people are around, they try to show up for you but after the six-month mark, they all vanish. This was the point where I needed people more than ever - reality had begun to sink in and it was overwhelming. Grief is so isolating, loss alters everything, so not having your people (family, friends, partners, kids, etc) show up is hard. I found myself not willing to reach out to others and I needed them to reach out to me. I guess my point is that grief is not just those early moments. Just because in your world life has carried on don't forget to check in with your loved one whose world has been shattered.

If you could go back and spend one more day with Virgil, what would you do?

Tell him how much I loved him. Just writing this brings tears to my eyes. I have asked myself the question thousands of times - did he know how loved he was? There will never be enough time with your person, so as long as he knew how much I loved him that is all that matters.

Any resources that were helpful for you that others might be able to utilize?

At 28 I don’t have many people in my normal circle who have experienced great loss. Finding other people who have known great love and great loss has helped me. Knowing I was not alone in these emotions, in our society that does not talk about grief has been so helpful. Pages like yours and Empowered Through Grief have been a saving grace.

What brings you joy now?

I am still trying to figure that out. Part of this phase of rebuilding for me is trying to figure out who I am, and what brings me joy. I am fundamentally a different person than I was before the loss. Acknowledging that has been a big step, stopping myself from comparing myself to pre-loss Claire.