It's Not Me, It's You

Today I got dumped by my doctor. Well, maybe not dumped per say - it was more like a “we should see other people” situation. But either way, it was a blow to my ego and a conversation I was not expecting. We’ve been seeing each other exclusively for two years and I thought we'd developed a strong enough foundation to withstand a little distance (especially during Covid).

Apparently not. Because I am now being forced to see somebody else.

Normally, this wouldn’t be a big deal. I can understand being busy and having “higher priority” patients, especially right now. But the truth is, being dismissed and ignored by doctors has been an ongoing issue for me. The truth is, because I am young and look healthy, I am taken less seriously and given less time as a patient. And today’s encounter felt like one more drop in an overflowing bucket.

Add to that, her absolutely terrible timing - although I can recognize that there really is no “good” time to end a relationship. But this morning before the call, I woke up with two swollen eyes and a rash - most likely due to an underlying and undiagnosed autoimmune disorder that I was hoping to, yep, discuss, with my doctor.

The truth is, we’d been off for some time. We stopped communicating and I had gotten lazy. I failed to bring up symptoms, failed to mention concerns, and most importantly, failed to advocate for myself.

Honestly, I just didn’t want to deal with the reality because my journey to health has been a complicated one. Beginning with a cancer diagnosis (and probably long before that), I have spent countless hours and dollars trying to get answers. I have given samples of blood and urine and poop (yup). I’ve taken supplements that my body can’t absorb and cleaned up my diet but still remained deficient in nutrients. With a cancer diagnosis, autoimmune disorders, and so much grief, it’s no wonder my body is fucking off the deep end.

And if I’m honest with myself, I know this break up was in both of our best interests. Frankly, I need more.

But I’m tired.

Tired of dating doctors to find the right fit. Tired of searching for answers. Tired of mystery symptoms unexpectedly and inconveniently popping up. Tired of being dismissed for looking fine and feeling like shit. Tired of being told to simply, "sleep more, eat better, stress less.”

But here I am, once again at square one. A flare up of symptoms and no doctor. A global pandemic and unable to leave the house. It’s exhausting, but necessary, because I know all too well the consequences of letting this shit slide.

So I’m asking you, internet fam: know any good doctors (functional, integrative, or conventional)? Someone who will both listen to me and challenge me? Someone who will dig deep rather than hang on the surface? Someone who will be a partner on this journey?

Let me know. I’m ready to be set up.