1. The ability to do something that frightens one; bravery.
2. Strength in the face of pain or grief.
I’ve spent the last year and a half openly talking about and writing about courage - courage in the face of illness, courage in the face of death, and courage in the face of life after loss.
But the reality is, I’ve spent the last year and a half utterly terrified.
Living in total fear.
Fear of change. Fear of being stuck. Fear of dying. Fear of living. Fear of it all.
I have been swallowed up by fear.
Even so, I feel like I’ve done a pretty good job of pushing through those fears to live a life of courage, in spite of the constant state of panic I internally experience. I’ve taken risks, I’ve spoken my truth, I’ve shown up and connected with loved ones. I’ve tested my strength in ways I never thought possible.
But all of those came with a deep layer of terror. Followed by the inevitable layer of guilt for not feeling as courageous as others maybe perceived me to be.
Inside, I felt like a scared little girl, all alone in an overwhelming new world.
And I wish I could say that acknowledging this truth will somehow make it easier to let go of the fear. But that would be a lie. I am still afraid. Doing it alone, without a partner - without the love and support I’d grown accustomed to - fills me with constant doubt and uncertainty.
Change is hard. Walking into the unknown feels like a barren landscape of terror.
But I've come to realize that if I’m going to continue to evolve and change, that I have to keep walking through it. I've also come to realize that if I want to continue living a life of courage, I will never be able to fully let go of the fear. Instead I need to learn to embrace the fear, finally coming to terms that you can’t have courage without fear.
Courage isn’t letting go of the fear. Courage is moving forward - one tiny, authentic step at a time - in spite of the fear. Courage is following your heart even when you heart has been shattered to pieces. Courage isn't having all the answers. It's living in the questions.
So instead of letting go of the fear, I’m moving forward with those fears. To me, that's what living courageously is all about.
With courage and fear, I'm preparing myself for some big changes. Stay tuned.