Fear of Our Own Power
I’ve been having a lot of conversations about power - specifically the internal power we all possess. As I dream up future plans and ambitions for the Forced Joy Project (and subsequently ask myself why I am not doing more to chase those dreams), a wise woman recently told me that we are more afraid of our own power than of the possibility of failure. And let me tell you, that thought stuck with me. For days. Because the truth is, I feel like I’m on the edge of something great. And I’ve been afraid to take the next steps. And I told myself the narrative that is so common in so many of us:
“I’ll take the next step when I have more time. When I have more money. When I have more experience. When I have more ideas. When I have more training. I'll take the next step when...”
Examining this, I was able to acknowledge that it did, in fact, come down to fear. And for so long I assumed it was fear of failure. But it turns out it was fear of my own potential. Fear of my own power. Fear of success. I was afraid of putting myself out there and actually succeeding and having to own up to everything I am capable of. For so many years my comfort zone was in the middle. I felt safe in the ordinary. I was afraid to create waves, afraid to stand out, afraid to be noticed. Owning my power and owning my potential meant I had to accept that fact that I was deliberately pushing myself out of the middle and onto the edges. And living on the edge is terrifying.
Last week, I shared this story with my bff Jeremy and how much that comment about being afraid of our own power affected me. And for the first time, I admitted out loud to Jeremy that I wanted to be more than ordinary. I wanted to be this powerful, courageous, badass presence who isn’t afraid to take big risks. And Jeremy turned to me and said - in the most Jeremy BFF way - "maybe you should start by actually acknowledging that you already are a powerful, courageous, badass presence who isn’t afraid to take big risks.”
As usual, he was right. But I felt really uncomfortable saying it out loud because I am afraid of being seen as arrogant or narcissistic or egotistical. Because it’s easier to acknowledge our flaws than our strengths. And because it's easier to stay small, where I am praised for my quiet easiness, than to own my power and risk creating waves. But I don’t want to be small. I want to be - no, I am - a powerful, courageous, badass presence who isn’t afraid to take big risks. And that’s my ferocious truth.